A Day In The Life: Argus Filch
by Silidons
Summary: [OneShot] Argus Filch, Hogwarts Caretaker. He cleans the halls, sneaks up on students, dotes on Mrs Norris, and generally annoys said students. Let's have look at a typical day of his, shall we? A general insight into the Life of Argus Filch.


_**A Day In The Life: Argus Filch**_

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the wonderful Harry Potter universe, as much as I would like to. Sadly. And the Argos slogan/phrase isn't mine either, something I actually think I am glad of. That advert annoys me, principally because I don't understand exactly _why_ you would want to Argos it, and not shop for it. Eh, nevermind.

The mad ramblings of someone so stuffed up with cold that it's so not funny that it is funny. You get the picture.

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"It's pronounced Ar_gus_!" he cried irritatedly, "Not Argos! _Argus!" _

With a strangled cry, Argus Filch stalked off, ready for another day of torturing those incredibly annoying Hogwarts brats.

Already he had had to put up with a bunch of first year Gryffindor's taunting him about his name. They were talking about something suspiciously Muggle, followed by the quote 'Don't shop for it, Argos it!', which was followed by 'Eh _Argos?_ Geddit?'

And then he had brandished his broom at them, and they had run away cackling like the little witches (and wizards) that they were.

He despised the little brats.

Prowling through the halls, just _looking_ for someone to get into trouble was his favourite hobby. There was always some repulsive child doing something bad. Always someone for him to harass.

Ever since the release of Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes, there had been a horrible increase of blood and vomit lining the corridors.

It wasn't the nicest thing he had to do in his job.

Mrs Norris was always about though, his beloved cat.

But, invariably, thinking of her reminded him of that nasty time a few years ago when the Chamber had been opened, and his treasured cat was Petrified, and being reminded of that invariably meant he would end up thinking about Potter and his gang, which put him in an even worse mood.

Harry Potter. Always causing trouble, disrupting the quiet peace- and clean- of the hallways, that Argus always tried to maintain.

Every Quidditch match there would be some mangy students traipsing about, dragging mud through the beautifully polished, shining clean floors.

Peeves was no help. Throwing water balloons, more times than not filled with everything _except_ water, the contents splashing everywhere.

He even had the _portraits_ whining on at him when they were covered in whatever disgusting syrup Peeves had concocted.

He didn't know what he was supposed to do to appease them properly, so he had to settle for washing the mixtures off with an offensive expression on his face. The _really_ vindictive ones, the ones that asked if he could hurry up by using magic, he scrubbed at extra hard, leaving their canvassed, painted faces a fresh pink colour.

They deserved it.

He should have been over the fact that he couldn't do magic and was a Squib by now, but the nosy, ignorant little students liked to rub it in his face. He was reminded of it everyday by the revolting little beasts, prancing around, happy-happy with their wands in hand.

It was no wonder really that he was as harsh on them as he was. Served them right, too.

Turning a corner, expecting to find a pristine hallway, not littered by those foul students with their messy collars, making the place look bad, he had a huge shock when he came across a gaggle of green-collared kids.

So he snuck up behind one of them, and -making his voice extra slimy for added jump- whispered in one of their ears.

"Well, well, well. What _do _we have here?"

His deceptively soft, icy voice soon trailed off though, when he noticed what they were clustered around.

"Don't you dare kick Mrs Norris!"

He gave an unintelligible noise and, face turning purple, shoved his way through the tight knot of Slytherin's to pick up his beloved cat.

He sent them all fierce glares as he petted and fussed over her, but instead of being afraid, the students merely shifted about and then broke into stage-whispers about him and his batty cat.

Argus Filch was not impressed.

So, these kids thought they could gang up on poor, defenceless Mrs Norris, and then laugh at him?

He gave them the evil eye, and marched away, catching an unwary Professor McGonagall on her way to the staff room.

He convinced her to take points, and felt immensely satisfied once she had.

For the remainder of the day, he was in an even worse mood than usual. How dare those puny, weak little children try to give his cat a good kick! Why, they were lucky he didn't actually catch them in the act, rather than clustered around her.

Rounding another corner, and setting off down the long hallway, he could see at the very end a group of students- Hufflepuffs by the look of it, and he loved harassing them, they broke and squirmed under his sharp gaze- doing something that looked very suspicious.

Could Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes be involved perhaps? There was only one way to find out, he declared as he strode down the corridor, Mrs Norris snapping at his heels, apparently recovered from her ordeal.

Argus Filch hated the loathsome brats, but oh! How he loved his job!

Especially if it meant he got to terrorize them and watch them writhe under his accusations, stutter feebly under his rebukes.

Even if he couldn't dock points as such, he found a guilty pleasure in getting the teachers of Hogwarts school hot under the collar too, as he wheedled them into taking points away, often from their own Houses.

Well. Served them right, didn't it?

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Not quite sure what happened here. I like it anyway. Reviews much appreciated. Thanks for reading. 


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